Backstabber or just too Self-absorbed

I would like to share a story. I know this smart and assertive person who always tries new things, travels a lot and is overall engaged in all kind of things. He dated my high school friend which is how we met. I cannot say that we were close but when we met we got along well.

He is an entrepreneur. I want to be an entrepreneur but lack the drive. Still, it was fascinating to watch him work on his ideas, look for partners and funding. As an outsider, I could see some of his flaws like no patience for people who think differently and a stubbornness to do what he things is the best. But I also saw his drive.

I wanted to work with him.

And I got my wish fulfilled.

After weeks and months … After being on the inside … After being privy to how he actually does things and not only how he presents them … I grew dissatisfied and, consequently, the idolised picture I made up slowly got shadier until it combusted.

But he is not a backstabber for his work habits. Or his character flaws. Or for me being stupid enough to idolise him. No, I wish it would be that simple. Remember, we work together if I can call it that.

This only made the situation escalate to now. This morning, I got his email. Then I used the following hours trying to contact him via email, phone and social media.

This was a trend for some time. The only time I wasn’t left alone working on my part of the work, was when he needed a favour. I heard about so many catastrophes and disasters which made him go back on the deal. The only time I got an apology was when he needed another favour.

Today was no different. There was yet another unforeseen disaster and I was left alone dealing with the consequences.

Today was no different. However, it was my tipping point. The jar of sh*t I could take became full.

I confess: I am venting my anger. I have given chances and trying to understand but now I just feel used. I don’t know he even knows what he did.

And in the end, this is why he is NOT a backstabber. That would indicate that he had some kind of intent. No, he is just too self-absorbed in his own life to the point he might not even have considered how his actions will make me feel.

And I allowed him to get away with this kind of behaviour until now. I am so happy I can also blame myself for this.

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The Perks of Being Unemployed

The best week yet

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I promised myself that after leaving my job I will take one week off. Just sleep around, sit a lot and catch on some Netflix. Well, it didn’t go like that. This week was better because instead of staying in and “recharging” I went out.

It started by moving my ass and going to Museum of London first where I was lost in the crowd of people looking at bones and bronze armour. I lost them in Victorian London which was surprisingly not as crowded. Then I went to Tate Modern where I only saw you the open exhibition. I stared at pictures and sculptures for a long time, had a thoughtful face and didn’t understand most of it without being explained to me. The highlight, though, was sitting in their coffee shop. This was only the first day of my “sad” unemployed life.

I went to Notting Hill and Holland Park where I observed the architecture and enjoyed some organic cacao and pear cake. The next day, I had a picking with friends at Southbank – on the pier in the middle of Thames. I made a picture with a Lego Joker at a close-by exhibition and finished with walking through Tower Bridge with ice cream in hand. On yet another day, I went to Shoreditch where I enjoyed real spicy chai latte. And then baking cookies and makeup tutorials … to name just a few things from this week.

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This week was for the things I didn’t have time before or I couldn’t be bothered with in my less than positive situation. It might sound like I was at a lot of places and tried way too much food. However, I appreciated it because I had finally time for my friends to go to those places. I hope I will not lose my new enthusiasm too soon or ever.

But it is time go back to reality – which means work If you can depend on one thing is that catering staff is always in demand.

It was less a period of worry and more like holidays.

Hang in There. It gets Better.

Tired of hearing that it will get better. It stopped giving hope.

Whenever I am asked about my life, I talk about my frustration with applying for jobs: what I am applying for, what is in my CV and cover letter, etc. After all, it is one of the most consuming tasks at the moment.
People show their sympathy and tell me “Hang in there. It gets better.” Granted, it did give me hope. But months later, I am ready to call someone on it.

I feel it has become an easy phrase everyone says to someone who is at least trying but not getting anywhere. They give me examples of that one friend who has made it after years of struggle. Because that one friend is proof that it can be done.

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However, there is little beyond that friend which would make me believe. I look at the person I am speaking who is in a similar position: tired of what they are doing, trying to invoke change but failing for one reason or another. My colleagues are proof of that: the people I work with are older than I am but they all have degrees. And they do this job for two or more years. They say that without even noticing time flew by but they stood still.
And still, I hear them repeat the same mantra of it will get better.

Indeed, it is also one of the least helpful advice I have ever got. In that way, it is similar to “If you wish strong enough, it will become true.” It is the mantra of hope.

That is why when I finally broke down and asked back “how do you know that it will get better?
I only got the answer “I have to believe. What else can I do.

Indeed, what else.

Unemployed

I don’t know many who would choose to leave their job just because it was making them miserable. However, I had enough of what was going on.

In the end, it was surprisingly easy to give my notice. Moreover, it is hard to wait until my last day. I am making up scenarios of going before that. After all, I was courageous enough to leave my job. Am I courageous enough to say goodbye to my last salary also?

In Search of Change

Introduction: This is an attempt to reach the invisible masses and see what will happen.

 

This is not my first blog. However, it will be the first blog with which I will attempt to fill an existential need. It is an experiment because things have not changed in my life but my current situation has become psychologically unbearable. This is an attempt by a person to reach the invisible masses and see what will happen.

My egoistic self says that many feel the same and can identify with my situation. On the other hand, my discouraged self says I will be only an insignificant drop in the internet’s activity. Especially, because I will try to remain anonymous – as much as this is possible online – and write under a pseudonym.

I will write about everything and nothing: at the moment this blog has no direction beyond its inspiration and need. This is only an introduction to – what I hope will become – an important platform of like-minded people sharing experience and interests. I hope you will keep me company on this ride.